There’s been so much about me that’s been questioned—by others, by God, by myself. And truthfully, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say right now. I have so many thoughts, so many feelings, and I’m struggling to get them into words. They feel like they’re gathering in the air around me, like the start of a storm. Not one of fury, but one of brewing. Like I’m standing still in the eye of a tornado.
The days themselves aren’t hard—they just feel really long. Like I’m not entirely in them. And I think that’s because I’ve been moving through life in ways that don’t really add the most positive value to me right now. Not even because I’m doing something wrong or harmful—it’s more about the way I’ve been being. The way I’ve been thinking. The stuff I’ve been carrying.
And still, in the middle of all of it, I’m noticing something: the parts of me I thought were unsure? The parts of me I doubted or tried to fix? Maybe they were never actually broken. Maybe they were just waiting for the right moment to be seen.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little push. A question. A conversation. Someone sitting across from you, seeing you clearly, reflecting you back to yourself—showing you the light you forgot you carried.
Not in a self-righteous way. Not in a “look how great I am” way. But in a thank God I think the way I do kind of way. A quiet relief. A whisper that says, I’m glad I’m me, after all.
Because sometimes you just have to realize things about yourself. And sometimes that only happens when you’re tested.
And I know I’m in the middle of a test.
I can feel it. I know God is watching, waiting—not to punish me, but to see. To see what I’ll do differently this time. To see if I’ll trust Him, or fall into the same cycles. To see if I’ll handle it like I did before. Especially when it comes to people like Leigh.
And honestly… I don’t know.
But I do know I’m trying. I do know I’m becoming. And maybe that’s enough for now.
