I embrace the yin and yang of life. It impresses me with all its complexities. I don’t like simple—easy never interests me.
I like the fact that nothing is linear. There can’t be one thing without the other. I love that life’s complexity is what makes it cohesive.
Until days like today. Yesterday. The one before.
Where, even though I know there’s so much good around—so much promise—my struggles and shortcomings are all I can think about. My flaws feel like they’re all there is to me.
I am doing the work. I’m trying to teach myself new ways to think, to find my way out of ruts, to not wallow.
And while I may do that, I also try to get to the bottom of my feelings. I try and try and try.
Try in all ways. In many ways.
But.
Some days, I just can’t shut my mind off.
Some days, I don’t want to be there for people.
I don’t want to be a confidant.
I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to be strong.
But sometimes, I want to be weak.
I want to cry.
I dont want to be a person who has it together.
I feel like I don’t have the space to be a human being—
A human being with emotions.
A human being who genuinely struggles at times.
The contradiction of being a very strong person yet emotionally weak is hard.
Heavy.
Exhausting.
Life is hard.
Heavy.
Exhausting.
I can’t wait until I’m living the life i have planned out in my head and the struggles i have, have passed—surrounded by people I haven’t met yet, experiencing a love I’ve never felt, in a place I’ve fallen in love with.
Where I can be strong and weak, and it’ll be okay.
I don’t know.
We don’t talk about this shit enough.
Everything online is curated so perfectly.
No one talks about the hard stuff.
No one embraces it.
No one cares about it much, to be frank.
I was going to write a post about how everything is falling into place, how I’m so happy and grateful. I get so many people coming on here daily now. I have subscribers. I’ve had people start messaging me about 224 and my writing.
And I am fucking grateful. Beyond explanation.
I’m living something I prayed for. I wanted to create my own something for so long. I have so many plans, and this is genuinely just the beginning. & I’m so hyped.
I’ve had my words read by people before, but having them read on my own terms, with my own vision—
That has been something else.
And I thank every one of you who come on here. Like, I literally CRY.
I was going to write about all of that and let it be the main focus, but I couldn’t.
I want to be authentic about everything. I want to be raw in my whole entirety of this. I don’t want to be silent about the yang just because the yin is so good.
I want to talk about it all.
Go through it all.
Appreciate all sides of it.
My bad days are just as important—if not more important—than the good.
I want to talk about all of this because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. And if you’re reading this and nodding along, feeling like I just pulled these words straight out of your own head—then hey, congratulations, we’re in this beautiful shitshow together
I share my experiences because I want you to know you’re not alone. You’re not weird. You’re not broken. You’re just human. And being human is weird as hell sometimes. One minute, you’re thriving, sipping a drinky drink, planning your dream life. The next? You’re lying in bed, contemplating every decision you’ve ever made while watching a show you don’t even like. (Been there. More times than I’d like to admit.)
So, here’s my advice—take the pressure off yourself. Feel your feelings, but don’t let them convince you that this moment is forever. It’s not. You’ll have good days again. And then bad ones. And then good ones again. That’s just life, baby. A rollercoaster with no seatbelt.
And if nothing else, at least we get to ride it together.
Now, go drink some water. Stretch a little. And if today is just one of those days—well, tomorrow is another chance to try again.
I’ll be here, figuring it out right along with you.
